16 YEARS in CA - A RETROSPECTION OF TRANSFORMATION
It was 16 years ago this past Monday that my sister and I transplanted over to good 'ol sunny California from the Midwest (OH). I will never forget how culture shocked I was--I had never seen so many Asian folks in my life! When I reflect on these last 16 years, it is amazing to see my transformation to who I 'thought' I was, to who I am now.
The reason it was so hard for me to re-adjust, was not so much that it was a new environment, but the fact that I spent my first 13 years of life denying my own Chinese heritage, and doing everything in my power to fit in with the predominantly Caucasian population around me (ha ha, there's 'asian' in caucasian!). I even fussed enough that my parents gave up on trying to send me to Chinese school to learn to speak and write. Shame on me because now I wish I did learn my own language. I mean I can understand quite a bit, but I don't speak or write. Though the family name lives on, that huge cultural part ends with me also. Coming to California turned my world upside down, twice over. All of a sudden I was totally lost and confused. It is a very lonely place to be.
At 14 I was a sort of rebel kid, losing both my parents the previous year, with no cause, no ambition, no faith in anything, and little identity. I even went so far as to lie to my aunt (who was my legal guardian, hence the move out here) that if I didn't like it, I could call back to my other relatives back in the midwest (KY) and move back. That obviously was not going to happen, and I couldn't have been more angrier at the world--at least what was left of it in my own eyes. I tried to think of myself as the sh-t; when really, my life was just sh-t. My aunt invited the pastor of their church to come meet with me and my sister to welcome us and such. I will never forget what I told him:
"I never liked California. I never have, and I never will!"
After a few words, he shared the Gospel with me; I didn't listen to it, I didn't care. And shortly thereafter, he left, leaving me 2 cans of salted almonds. His humble gift to an ungrateful kid. (I'm not sure what he had spoken when he met my sister; at that time it didn't matter either way).
After asking all the questions to myself of 'why me?', a series of events began to change my attitude and outlook on life. After about the first year of being 'forced' to go to church, I found myself in a sort of "starter" class for seekers and new Christian believers called Survival Kit. The teacher, who was a cop at the time, shared his upbringing with me, and for whatever reason I could somehow identify with it. He was a gangster growing up, bullying people, beating them up and without a care in the world. His life changed when he became a Christian, and he described how his heart changed for Greater purpose. His mentorship finally began to chip off the hardness that had formed over my heart. God was at work, and through this man, whose name is Henry.
The next major thing that happened to me was that I finally made friends at school. Albert, who was in my sophomore English class, brought me to the other side of campus one day for lunch, where there was an entire ampitheater full of other friends. A lot of them had grown up together, but they all accepted me for who I was, and I very openly shared why I was here in California. Most of the crowd were a mix of Asian kids, and for the first time, I felt my own identity. I felt accepted and belonged. I had friends, and I began to care. I began to care about life again. I became a Christian my graduation year of high school. It was a great feeling to understand love in both a very real and supernatural way. My cup went from half empty, to half full.
There are a whole lot of specific experiences that I could write on and on about that shape who I am today and give me greater understanding of who I want to be years down the road. Perhaps I write of those at another time.
So who 'am I' today? I am a man loved by God and His people. I am a man that relentlessly tries to care for and be understanding toward friends. And I am man that refuses to give up on life. I love California, I enjoy my current career and the people I work with. Heh, yes, I admit it, I love California now. I realize that the more I kept fighting or resisting that which I know was good, I kept getting 'stuck'. I learned to make choices that kept moving me forward, that kept people involved in my life, and mine in theirs'.
And for the record, I love my family and all my churched friends, both old and current.
I am...not alone. That is the forecast of me for the rest of my life.
It was 16 years ago this past Monday that my sister and I transplanted over to good 'ol sunny California from the Midwest (OH). I will never forget how culture shocked I was--I had never seen so many Asian folks in my life! When I reflect on these last 16 years, it is amazing to see my transformation to who I 'thought' I was, to who I am now.
The reason it was so hard for me to re-adjust, was not so much that it was a new environment, but the fact that I spent my first 13 years of life denying my own Chinese heritage, and doing everything in my power to fit in with the predominantly Caucasian population around me (ha ha, there's 'asian' in caucasian!). I even fussed enough that my parents gave up on trying to send me to Chinese school to learn to speak and write. Shame on me because now I wish I did learn my own language. I mean I can understand quite a bit, but I don't speak or write. Though the family name lives on, that huge cultural part ends with me also. Coming to California turned my world upside down, twice over. All of a sudden I was totally lost and confused. It is a very lonely place to be.
At 14 I was a sort of rebel kid, losing both my parents the previous year, with no cause, no ambition, no faith in anything, and little identity. I even went so far as to lie to my aunt (who was my legal guardian, hence the move out here) that if I didn't like it, I could call back to my other relatives back in the midwest (KY) and move back. That obviously was not going to happen, and I couldn't have been more angrier at the world--at least what was left of it in my own eyes. I tried to think of myself as the sh-t; when really, my life was just sh-t. My aunt invited the pastor of their church to come meet with me and my sister to welcome us and such. I will never forget what I told him:
"I never liked California. I never have, and I never will!"
After a few words, he shared the Gospel with me; I didn't listen to it, I didn't care. And shortly thereafter, he left, leaving me 2 cans of salted almonds. His humble gift to an ungrateful kid. (I'm not sure what he had spoken when he met my sister; at that time it didn't matter either way).
After asking all the questions to myself of 'why me?', a series of events began to change my attitude and outlook on life. After about the first year of being 'forced' to go to church, I found myself in a sort of "starter" class for seekers and new Christian believers called Survival Kit. The teacher, who was a cop at the time, shared his upbringing with me, and for whatever reason I could somehow identify with it. He was a gangster growing up, bullying people, beating them up and without a care in the world. His life changed when he became a Christian, and he described how his heart changed for Greater purpose. His mentorship finally began to chip off the hardness that had formed over my heart. God was at work, and through this man, whose name is Henry.
The next major thing that happened to me was that I finally made friends at school. Albert, who was in my sophomore English class, brought me to the other side of campus one day for lunch, where there was an entire ampitheater full of other friends. A lot of them had grown up together, but they all accepted me for who I was, and I very openly shared why I was here in California. Most of the crowd were a mix of Asian kids, and for the first time, I felt my own identity. I felt accepted and belonged. I had friends, and I began to care. I began to care about life again. I became a Christian my graduation year of high school. It was a great feeling to understand love in both a very real and supernatural way. My cup went from half empty, to half full.
There are a whole lot of specific experiences that I could write on and on about that shape who I am today and give me greater understanding of who I want to be years down the road. Perhaps I write of those at another time.
So who 'am I' today? I am a man loved by God and His people. I am a man that relentlessly tries to care for and be understanding toward friends. And I am man that refuses to give up on life. I love California, I enjoy my current career and the people I work with. Heh, yes, I admit it, I love California now. I realize that the more I kept fighting or resisting that which I know was good, I kept getting 'stuck'. I learned to make choices that kept moving me forward, that kept people involved in my life, and mine in theirs'.
And for the record, I love my family and all my churched friends, both old and current.
I am...not alone. That is the forecast of me for the rest of my life.
1 comment:
thanks for sharing a part of your journey bro.
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