Screwed up, but Loved

I initally started this blog to not only ramble, but to use it as a 'tablet' to log deep thoughts, thoughts that I think matter. I realize I have only done more of the first part, ramble.

Time to re-balance.

At Church service today, I heard a great message that got me a little choked up. And I needed it. Our church community is going through a series on "How People Grow: Stories and Insights About the Process of Growth". No, it's not just about physical growth, but rather digging deeper to discover how God desires us to grow in maturity, healing and wisdom for the darts that life throws at us. To aid us, we are going to go through a book entitled "How People Grow: What the Bible Reveals About Personal Growth" by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend.

Question: Do I love well? What does that really mean, and what does it really look like?

After both my parents passed away 16 years ago, I have been searching for the answers to what it means to be truly loved. And not just by God (although the most important), but by the people I hold close to my heart, or think that I do- namely my family and close friends. When I lost my folks, I also thought I lost love too. I was 13 years old, the pivotal pre-teen age and first real major fork-in-the-road (in my opinion). I had no idea how that event would really impact my relationships with others, and whether I could ever love people in a genuine and deep way. Man, I thought I would be all screwed up. For a young boy who didn't grow up in any church setting, I could have easily have an F-you attitude and shut everyone out.

While all these thoughts were running through my mind, I could feel myself getting 'cold'. So what happens when you see your child getting cold? You clothe them, or wrap a blanket around them. And in a beautiful, metaphorical way, that is exactly what my extended family has done. They came to mine and my sister's aid. They took us in as their own and loved us. I believe with all my heart, and without a doubt that such love was Love come down from God. When I thought my life was going to be screwed up, love came.

Sixteen years later, love is still teaching me. Each year after my folks' passing, my heart began to soak in pieces of what I understood love to be: how to be sensitive to others who have lost loved ones, and mourn with them; how to discern who are the right people to surround myself with (high school, church, etc); how to make decisions that put others before myself, and without hurting myself; to be generous in heart and actions; to learn to embrace discipline and suck it up; to not complain so much because it only produces more unnecessary negativity; to listen intently to people and face them; and most importantly for me, to THINK ALWAYS before I spoke--it just sucks to say something that you will end up regretting. (I still do it sometimes, but I'm much better than I used to be).

Lately, I've had some moments where I feel 'stuck'. Not crazy, thankfully, just a little stuck. Our pastor shared of the merits of counseling, and that one of the prime things that counselors are able to do is help people get "un-stuck". Moreover, God's love can unstick us from the things holding us back: broken relationships, loss, depression, etc. I would not do justice, unless I mentioned the passage used during the message, Luke 7: 36-50. Short synopisis: Jesus is dining at the home of one of the politicians of those days, and a woman who led a sinful life, comes to the feet of Jesus weeping and uses a jar of expensive perfume on his feet, wiping it and her tears with her own hair. The politician judged her on the spot. She came with a faith and show of genuine and deep affection for Jesus. Jesus then said to the woman: "Your faith has saved you; go in peace". Translation: this woman knew how to love well, because she was first loved. That notion to me is beautiful. (Oh yeah, Jesus taught that politician an important lesson also).

Love is the most reciprocal act I can think of. While I am far from perfect in my actions, I find myself trying harder and harder to love better, to treat others with fairness and dignity. I will admit that life took a few cheap shots at me, but I am a persistent bastard. I will not go down without a fight and I hate giving up. Stubborness is only good when you grow from it and are moving forward in life. I have my parents, first, and the rest of my family to thank for teaching me that.

So the journey to love better and be loved continues. Stay tuned.