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Disconnected. Nope, not talking about the phone or email (and especially not dial-up! ha ha, j/k). I'm talking about friendships/relationships. I wonder if it is just me, but I get in those moods sometimes--that mood where it seems everyone or everything is moving faster than you, and sometimes your just trying to figure out what's going on. Where is the 'Tivo' remote to pause life for a moment.

So recently, I ask myself a few questions, and one by one I interview myself. The below content is rated NRR (Not-Really-Rated).

Me: Are you depressed?
me: I don't think so. I'm not taking meds or anything. I'm still working hard; figuring out what cards to make for Christmas; looking foward to driving up north for Christmas; excited about mi new casa; still able to crack a joke and laugh first before others do (hmm, ok revisit that thought); still able to enjoy movies with friends; still like cooking when I make time for it.

Me: Are you taking care of yourself?
me: Well I just got a small cold--the first time in almost a year. I have been working quite a few hours over at work, but the worst of the worst is almost over, right? Oh no, CAM/Tax season!!. I haven't gone to the gym in 2 weeks, and might not make my 10lbs goal by end of this month - holidays are the catch 22s!! Prayer time has been sporadic, not consistent. Got to stop praying on the john! Why do my best prayers tend to be when I'm going #2? I could do a better job to follow-up with folks at church and outside.

Me: Are you frustrated?
me: Yeah, I would say so. The past few months, my temper at work has been on a short fuse--difficult tenants, frustrated with company policy. I have been venting too much the past few months. Not productive. But thankfully my-coworker buddy pulled me aside to tell me straight up and pray for me--I was quite thankful and receptive. I already started taking steps to just let things go so I can get things done. I think I let a little bit of frustration spill over a bit into my life outside work. Plus, I watched way too much TV the last few months and wasted too much time. I will confess that it affected how I prepped for my Bible study and related to my group. (Man, my group is an awesome bunch!) I think my lack of discipline got my leg bitten off the last few months...and running one-legged is hard! I do have a great friend and co-leader that has been more than gracious; and a group who just enjoys each other's company. I'm not frustrated with the outcome of our group dynamics, I think I'm just I'm a little frustrated cuz I had a vision and didn't communicate it that well. I didn't follow through quite enough.

Me: So why are you frustrated?
me: I think I'm the most stubborn fool in the world. I hate giving up!! Thru familial osmosis, mom and dad passed it on to me. But the circumstance is different; I'm not running a restaurant like they did. I finished college like they told me to. I guess what I realize is that it doesn't matter the circumstance--there is always a way to work smarter. What I need to do is learn to let go of things easier. Quit holding on and pick my battles more carefully. I realize I alone can't change the company or the community around me; I realize that I should never assume that no one will help with a task--all you got to do is ask! (ha, ha, it's like that commercial I saw as a kid!!).

Me: Ok, ok, me, that is all good stuff. But we're going a little off tangent. Let me ask you this, do you think any part of your frustrations have become a source of your feeling disconnected?
me: [sigh]. I guess I haven't asked myself that before. You're good. [sigh], Um, I think I trapped myself into my arch-nemesis "busybody". I think being a busybody carries with it a certain anonymity and sense of isolation. As a recovering busybody addict, one thing that I learned about community is that you can't assume everyone has time for you; you must first make time for others. I'm beginning to think if I've been hopping on one-leg for several years, rather than just recently. Community starts with me, and I need to figure out how I can be a better student of it. I think I'm a very communal person- after all, fellowship has been a blanket to my salvation, given by God through his people. I know everyone is busy, and I can't be responsible for their schedules. But maybe part of the solution is making more space in my schedule for people, and being more pro-active in meeting up with folks. Man, this sounds so simplistic. I've got to think s'more on this.

Me: Well thank for your time me, it was a pleasure hearing you share what's going on inside, and diving into this feeling of disconnect.
me: Wait, I'm not done! I have more to share!

Me: Sorry, that's all the time I can give you now, we'll have to schedule for another time slot, perhaps in the next couple weeks or after the move-in.
me: WHAT?!!! Are you mocking me?!!! Do you know who I am?!!! I'm YOU sucka!!! You can't cut me off--I created myself!! Why you little @#$%!@#$^%&#!.....